Hatred is the true enemy.

I think most find times when they hate their bodies. But I moved past that, to complete separation. In my mind, I referred to it as my shell, because I felt I was a hollow shell of the person I used to be. It contained me, it held me back, the biological functions were amiss, and my body had become my own albatross.

I like to think I went through the stages of grief with my thyroid and body in general. In the beginning there was fear, fear of the unknown mass in my mouth, fear of what the future might hold. Cancer crossed our minds and the possibilities could really run away with you. The official tests however were swift enough to reveal my lingual thyroid soon after discovery and after a total thyroidectomy a year and a half later, all proved to be cancer and node free as well. Before the removal I reached sadness, total rock bottom due to the lack of energy. After beginning Synthroid, I started my phase of self-pitty. Why me.. Why could I no longer run and think and be as I was just a few years before. I honestly felt smarted by life, and worse, my own body. I had previously said and thought things to the tune of how much I trusted myself and my body, to always do as I asked, always to perform as I wished. So you can imagine my feeling of betrayal.

After a full year of sadness, I hit another low of total lethargy and zero motivation. Things picked back up after this and I started digging into other options. I spent 9 months looking, researching, for things that could help: diet changes, exercising, meditation, relaxation, sleeping, etc. I never fully committed, still thinking I was helpless in my cause. I never lost hope, I will say that, but it was always hinged on something or someone doing it all for me. Why don’t the meds make me feel better? Why aren’t my doctors figuring this out? What other specialists should I go see? It’s true I am no doctor, and there true value in medical professionals, but there is always something you can do, and that was my mistake. I started to feel less hatred towards my body after I started to restrict my calorie intake and slowly lose some weight over the summer and fall, finally feeling more normal. I forgave myself in a sense, this was probably the beginning of my path to move on, truly accepting all that has happened.

On January 19th, I took back control. I took a leap that could to do me no harm, based on a change I had noticed in myself. That first step didn’t workout so well, but the second part of the journey has already started paying dividends. I don’t feel the same way I have for the last 3 years anymore. The cloud that hung around my head has dissipated and I am free to think, see, and feel more clearly again. I am not sure i can explain to the full extent quite how liberating this is. I can only explain it as being locked in a dark shadow for all this time, and then having the light start to pour in again. My senses are keen, my heart is fluttering. I feel the special “I can do anything, right now…” feeling returning. Oh, how I’ve missed it. I mourned it all these years. I can’t believe I wasted so much time. I am taking back control, I am taking back my life.

It is only a question of what I will do next.


Week 1 Elim. Diet in review

I had read in the write-ups before this diet that there were certain people that would feel life hanging benefits from trying the process and I had seriously hoped to be one of them. I am starting to think I might be one of them…

I had my doubts of course and tried to remain realistic about the way things might turn out. After a negative ending to the raw diet, I was already feeling disappointed with my journey. I figured I would finish the diet and would have at least lost some weight.

It all started to change around Wednesday when I woke up at 6 AM, and although I still did not want to get out of my nice warm bed on these cold and dark winter mornings, I could tell I felt more alert than usual. The day passed with sustained energy and less green tea than previously, and by 9PM I was ready to crawl into bed. I held out to the planned 10:15 time slot, giving myself 15 minutes to fall asleep and then leaving the “now recommended” 7.5 hours to get my beauty rest. Thursday came along and I again felt the alertness, maybe even a little more than the previous morning. Two days in a row might be a fluke, but it hasn’t happened in a while. Thursday night I again felt tired by the late evening, but kept on schedule, ending up with a great nights sleep. Friday morning, clearest day yet, and I have enough energy to stay up hours later than I normally ever could to write about these great experiences!

From passing out at 9:30pm on a regular basis, and then struggling to wake up at 6 AM, I feel like I making all the right moves here. Let’s hope it all just keeps up!

I feel at peace and yet so alive at the same time…

The game plan.

Fat, Tired and Out of Control.

This blog is about the promise I have made to myself to change the things that are broken in order to feel better.

I sat down on New Year’s Day, 2015 and wrote down all the things I wanted to accomplish in the new year. Most of them have to do with my physical health and wellness but improving my mental health is also incredibly important to me.
My health and wellness resolutions are things like:

  • Getting back into shape physically
  • Having a focused and clear mentality, less multitasking
  • Eating healthy and adjusting my diet to find the inflammatory parts

I also have plans to up my creative endeavors. Expressing myself via this blog verbally is actually a great start to that goal, one that I have been thinking about doing for years but struggled to find a subject to write about. I worried about discussing things I personally didn’t know a lot about even though I was interested in learning them. Turning things inwardly and making this about my life and the struggles and progress it entails take the pressure out and makes this less about me telling others how to do something.

This blog is about my journey, how I have specifically chosen to do everything represented here and is by no means the exact way you should do anything. That being said, feel free to learn from my mistakes along with me and share your thoughts with me and other readers.

I will be taking things one week at a time. Currently I have several ideas of things I plan to try but this is a moving target and I plan to let it evolve as I go.