Hatred is the true enemy.

I think most find times when they hate their bodies. But I moved past that, to complete separation. In my mind, I referred to it as my shell, because I felt I was a hollow shell of the person I used to be. It contained me, it held me back, the biological functions were amiss, and my body had become my own albatross.

I like to think I went through the stages of grief with my thyroid and body in general. In the beginning there was fear, fear of the unknown mass in my mouth, fear of what the future might hold. Cancer crossed our minds and the possibilities could really run away with you. The official tests however were swift enough to reveal my lingual thyroid soon after discovery and after a total thyroidectomy a year and a half later, all proved to be cancer and node free as well. Before the removal I reached sadness, total rock bottom due to the lack of energy. After beginning Synthroid, I started my phase of self-pitty. Why me.. Why could I no longer run and think and be as I was just a few years before. I honestly felt smarted by life, and worse, my own body. I had previously said and thought things to the tune of how much I trusted myself and my body, to always do as I asked, always to perform as I wished. So you can imagine my feeling of betrayal.

After a full year of sadness, I hit another low of total lethargy and zero motivation. Things picked back up after this and I started digging into other options. I spent 9 months looking, researching, for things that could help: diet changes, exercising, meditation, relaxation, sleeping, etc. I never fully committed, still thinking I was helpless in my cause. I never lost hope, I will say that, but it was always hinged on something or someone doing it all for me. Why don’t the meds make me feel better? Why aren’t my doctors figuring this out? What other specialists should I go see? It’s true I am no doctor, and there true value in medical professionals, but there is always something you can do, and that was my mistake. I started to feel less hatred towards my body after I started to restrict my calorie intake and slowly lose some weight over the summer and fall, finally feeling more normal. I forgave myself in a sense, this was probably the beginning of my path to move on, truly accepting all that has happened.

On January 19th, I took back control. I took a leap that could to do me no harm, based on a change I had noticed in myself. That first step didn’t workout so well, but the second part of the journey has already started paying dividends. I don’t feel the same way I have for the last 3 years anymore. The cloud that hung around my head has dissipated and I am free to think, see, and feel more clearly again. I am not sure i can explain to the full extent quite how liberating this is. I can only explain it as being locked in a dark shadow for all this time, and then having the light start to pour in again. My senses are keen, my heart is fluttering. I feel the special “I can do anything, right now…” feeling returning. Oh, how I’ve missed it. I mourned it all these years. I can’t believe I wasted so much time. I am taking back control, I am taking back my life.

It is only a question of what I will do next.